My journey of overcoming self doubt created by stress and anxiety
Since Aug 2022- mid Sept 2023, I went through extreme stress and anxiety. I spoke to many different psychologists and therapists. It came to a point where taking medication became necessary. Even with medication, sometimes, there was no respite
When one goes through this mental health issue for such a long time, here are some things that happen (my experience only):
- You lose all your confidence. You face Imposter Syndrome and extreme self doubt. You become quiet because you fear judgement.
- You become extremely shy and withdrawn. When you see a group of people, you want to run away from them.
- You are unable to focus or understand anything. You are always confused. Even though I am seeing what is written in front of me, I am unable to understand what it means (again, you want to run away from everything). I want to ask questions but again, the fear of judgement stops me.
- Because you are unable to understand anything, you are unable to think about the problem, come up with alternative solutions. Problem solving skill takes a complete hit
- All of this causes more self doubt. Your self image goes for a toss. You begin to lose a grip of who you were. This completely different person you have become, you now doubt, is temporary. You fear that this is you now.
I have always been someone who was sharp, someone who worked hard, someone that learnt each day to do her job better. I have always been passionate about my work, it brought me joy.
However, for some reason (that I am still trying to figure out), I suddenly fell into stress and anxiety issues in Aug 2022 that continued on for one year. During this time, I experienced all the above and was miserable. I had everything one could ask for, a great husband, a job at a top company, 5 cats in a beautiful home surrounded by trees, a loving sister, a beautiful book shelf (isn’t that all you want in life?), and a comfortable living that we had built for ourselves and still, was unhappy.
At work, I couldn’t focus on what was in front of me, I couldn’t talk to people (my work as an HR involves talking to people most of the time!), I was confused most of the times which led to a few in my company treating me badly (some people are evil!). I knew I wasn’t doing well at work. Unfortunately, I started believing that it was all me, I was becoming dumber and dumber each day and that I am better suited to quit everything and stay home. I didnt want people’s judgement further pushing me into the abyss I was in.
One day I realized, I needed to relax. In the way that I know to relax. I had my own corner at home always where I would put a bean bag or a couch and consume a book from morning till night. I would paint or write in that corner. I would watch movies and write reviews of them on my blog. That was bliss. I became aware that I had stopped doing all of this, I was mostly watching TV and it became too much of a chaos to handle (Esp when one is in a stressed state of mind)- no amount of meditation could help. Thanks to this realization, I went back to the corner. Slowly I started feeling better
The second thing I did was, take myself out of the environment that was causing the most stress for me. I said bye to that place. Within a week’s time, I started seeing traces of my old self. My mind was so calm, I was not only able to understand something at work which had overwhelmed me to no end a few weeks ago, I started finding it interesting and decided to research more on the topic!
Then I saw more and more changes that are slowly taking me back to my old self, the awesome one with no fear and high confidence:
- I had stopped listening to music- I had stopped enjoying it. No exploration of new music, it used to feel like chaos to me. Now, I slowly have the need to listen to certain songs that used to give me so much joy. I feel calm and happy
- Self care was another thing I didnt want to do. For eg, a mask on my face, a homemade paste on my hair. It all felt too pretentious earlier. I thought instead of focusing on my mental health, if I focused on how I looked, it would help in no way, I would be wasting my time. However, yesterday, I felt the need to do this and when I did, I found myself calm. There was a happiness that I cannot explain!
- Reading thriller books- If you go to my blog, you can see that I used to devour thriller novels and put up my reviews there- almost every week. And then, due to stress, I had stopped it too. See, everything I am enjoying now again, I used to feel guilty about doing earlier. The thought process being (1) Things were very chaotic, my head was filled with anxious thoughts (2) I couldn’t focus (3) If I didn’t take care of what was happening to me in my brain head-on, there was no use of doing anything else. However, this last week, I read a book and put up a short review on Goodreads!
- I have started working out again. When I was going through anxiety, I would workouts as a way to fight it. So it became less and less enjoyable. I stopped working out or exercising for almost 2 weeks. But then, miraculously, a few days ago, I felt the need for it. I sat on my cycle, played good music and enjoyed my workout!
- I am taking care of my plants now!
- After such a long time, I finally feel ready to travel again. To beautiful places around the world. In six months, I would want to be in New Zealand.
Today, I feel like taking a good half an hour shower (!), trying on some new clothes and getting my pictures taken by my husband! The joy has returned into my soul, I feel it. I waited to see if it was some temporary euphoria but no, each day, part by part of my old self is returning itself to me.
I have even thought about and am working on a business idea that I am sure, is going to be a huge success!
This is a deeply personal post but I wanted to put it out because, if you are going through stress, know that all the self-doubt you are going through is not you. Know that, it will get better once you know what can help you relax. I am not a mental health expert and this is not an advice column. But just a reminder that you are not alone. Therapy and contacting a psychologist do help.
With that said, I do want to talk about how workplaces are not prepared to help their employees with mental health concerns. I know someone whose employment got terminated because he had anxiety issues and refused to come to office (he preferred work from home)- however, something great happened to him, he found a better job (a great twist from the universe!)! For me, there was no help, only judgement and there are people who judged me, spoke about me lowly thinking I was not around (choice of labels- “weird”, “oh god, what is wrong with this girl”,etc), I was directly given a feedback- “your energy levels are low compared to even your juniors” (Can you sense the judgement?), etc. When I honestly spoke about my mental health, I was told the company would do anything to help me through it but that didn’t happen. (I was even told that I am an introvert because of which I am not performing well! This is a whole different post for another day btw).
Here are my thoughts based on my experience as to what companies can do to help their employees:
(1) Treat mental health issues like physical health issues. For eg, I know a company where unless you have a medical certificate, you are not eligible to take a break for your mental health! That makes me feel like the company is doing nothing but tokenism.
Give people the time to recuperate from whatever they are going through- Have a few days kept aside specifically for mental health leaves or even better, have sick leaves where people don’t have to explain!
(2) Provide remote working opportunities. You saw when the pandemic happened, work carried on as usual. In some places, people worked more and harder than they would do at office. Remote work works! For someone like me, I would have appreciated being given a work from home option, where in a familiar environment I would have relaxed and contributed so much to the company
(3) Stop the culture of judgement. Understand someone’s mental state of mind, instead of labelling it “introvert”, “low energy”, etc. Treat people with kindness, you seriously have no idea what demons they are battling. From the top down, create a culture of empathy and kindness
(4) Stop forcing people to socialise! Stop forcing them to come to office dinners or other such gatherings that you know, should be optional! Someone undergoing stress and withdrawal will not like to talk to other people. Someone like me would want to run away home, hide in my husband’s arms and cry. What helps you unwind does not necessarily have to help others
We talk so less about mental health that company cultures refuse to factor them in while creating their “values”. There is so less understanding of this topic that people choose to judge you instead of trying to understand you.
I am sure there are more and other different ways to help your employees. Based on the different kinds of mental health issues that people go through. Just like physical illness, the needs are different. Talk to your employee, be empathetic and help them genuinely. Putting up posts during mental health awareness days or inviting some speakers to talk on the subject and then forgetting about it is certainly not the way!
What I can say for sure is, while you cannot depend upon others to deal with and overcome your stress, you can certainly try to help yourself. Find out the things that trigger you and remove yourself from such an atmosphere.
After a year of trauma, I am finally on my healing journey. I now understand that I cannot let anxiety and stress define me what I am anymore. I am a happy and confident person. I am taking steps towards returning to the person I was and this wonderful journey has just begun! I look forward to an amazing life ahead
